


Something Different

by nhasablog



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, Jim is pan okay, Sexuality Crisis, Tickling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-25 10:44:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9816428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nhasablog/pseuds/nhasablog
Summary: “I’m not looking for that tonight.”“So what are you looking for?”Jim didn’t say anything at first, only observed the melting ice in his glass. “Something different.”(Or, Jim comes out to two of the most important people in his life, but not necessarily willingly.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve always wanted to write something about Jim not being straight (he’s pan in my head), and when I was watching Star Trek Into Darkness just now I paused the movie like ten minutes in and sat down and wrote this. I’m also very intrigued by this Jim being in love with Spock thing, so I decided to briefly incorporate it. I hope you enjoy, and feedback is very appreciated!

Jim always ended up in dumps like this for one reason or another. The cheap booze burned in his throat and gave him that familiar warmth that spread through his body slowly but surely. His eyes roamed, restless, bored, landing on individual after individual, but not feeling compelled to linger on either of them. He was sure he looked like shit, with his dirty clothes and dishevelled hair. He hadn’t gotten time enough to sort everything out; had fled as soon as he could and found his way to this bar in an attempt to forget. It only worked for a minute.

Pike found him of course. He always did. Jim was never surprised anymore when he suddenly appeared at his side, rarely ordering anything since Jim drank enough for the two of them. He was sure Bones would have been doing this had he known where he was, but Jim knew how to escape his best friend and his ever present concern.

“You’re at your best, I see,” Pike said, the joke making Jim let out a laugh.

“Always am,” he replied, glancing briefly at his elder before returning his gaze to his empty glass. “You’re here to babysit me as usual.”

“Can’t trust you to not get into any fights. Or go home with the wrong woman.”

“I’m not looking for that tonight.”

“So what are you looking for?”

Jim didn’t say something at first, only observed the melting ice in his glass. “Something different.”

“I don’t think you will find something different in booze.”

“The booze is merely a comfort.”

“That doesn’t sound too good.”

Jim looked up at him at last, meeting his gaze. Pike always looked at him in the way he imagined his father would. Sternly, but with a softer undertone that told Jim he was only doing what was best for him. Jim had always appreciated it.

He had a hundred things he wanted to tell Pike. A hundred things to get off his chest, but he didn’t know how to. He’d never been good at talking unless he was spurred on, and Pike never forced him unless he found it necessary that Jim shared. He couldn’t possibly know about how confused Jim currently was.

He averted his gaze again and waved for the bartender to bring him another drink. “It’s been a rough month or so.”

“Do you think this thing you’re seeking will help?”

Jim’s laugh lacked any trace of humor or joy. “No. Quite the opposite.” He reached for the new glass that was placed before him. “I think it will make everything worse.”

“Then why seek?” Pike insisted, trying to catch his eye again.

Jim breathed for a couple of seconds, his hand still around the glass. “Because I have to or I will go insane.”

Pike watched him down his drink before he spoke again. “You can choose not to pursue it.”

“No. You don’t always get a choice. You know that.”

Pike gave him that. He could tell. “Do you think you will find it here?”

“I think I can find it especially here.”

Jim sat up straighter, his gaze searching the room again. Waves of new people kept arriving while others left, so he had a whole new set of individuals to observe if he wanted to. He was aware of Pike’s eyes on him, but he kept looking, eventually catching the eye of a man close to his age. He looked beat, much like Jim felt, and there was something in his expression that made Jim keep staring, and they only broke eye contact because the guy’s friend said something to him.

Jim turned back to the counter, heart hammering against his chest as he took another sip of his drink, finding that only melted ice hit his tongue. He needed to start ordering drinks you didn’t finish in one swig.

“Is that your different?” Pike asked. Jim hadn’t forgotten he was there per se, but he never felt the need to hide behind a facade around him, and thus wondered if he’d let him see too much.

“Could be.”

“Son, look at me.”

Jim did, albeit slowly and somewhat reluctantly.

“You know that’s fine, right? Two men-”

“I know,” Jim was quick to say. “I know.”

“If that’s what you need, I say go get it. But be careful. You seem a little confused still.”

“I’m not confused, I’m just- confused.”

He knew Pike understood what he meant.

“Do you need another drink?”

Jim shook his head. “More like twenty more, but I’ll refrain.” He stood, changed his mind, and sat down again to ask for the check. He turned back to where the guy had been standing when he’d finished paying, their eyes meeting instantly, and Jim felt unfamiliar nerves wash over him. Pike probably didn’t realize it, but having him there helped. A lot.

He stood up once more. “This is gonna be a disaster.” And he approached the guy like he would with any woman, and Pike was still there when he eventually left the bar with the guy in tow.

* * *

 

This wasn’t how Jim wanted Bones to find out, and he cursed himself for not having told him sooner. It was rather inevitable that Bones, as his roommate, would eventually walk in on him on a morning when he didn’t wake up alone, and to be fair he’d done it several times before. He only paused to roll his eyes before politely excusing himself to the woman Jim was lying with, and this time was scarcely any different only that he froze rather than paused, and then quickly apologized to the blushing man by Jim’s side and left the room as quickly as he’d entered. Jim cursed, and both of them flew up to get dressed. It was time to get up anyway.

They never exchanged any sort of ways to contact each other again; it hadn’t been that sort of night. Jim showed him to the door out of politeness, and as soon as he was gone from his dorm room’s vicinity Jim rushed to find Bones, aching to hide away all day, but knowing he needed to do some sort of damage control.

Bones was in his room, looking like he always did, and Jim found everything he wanted to say at the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t let it all spill, so instead he said, “What did you want?”

Bones turned to look at him. “You told me to wake you up if you hadn’t left your room by eleven this weekend. You have an assignment to work on, remember?”

Jim mentally facepalmed. He’d completely forgotten. “Oh. Right.”

“One part of me wants to ask how you snuck that guy in without me noticing, but I also really don’t want to know.”

Jim grinned sheepishly. “Years of practice.”

“I can tell.” An awkward pause. “Was he a student?”

“No.”

You’re lucky you guys didn’t get caught then.”

“Years of practice on that part too.” He licked his lips. “Look, Bones-”

Bones held up his hand. “You don’t have to explain yourself, kid.”

“I wish I would’ve told you before, well, that. I’ve been meaning to for so long.”

“You didn’t need to. I don’t see why this coming out thing is still relevant. It feels so 21st century.”

“You think?”

Bones waved a hand around. “You don’t have to tell people who you like sleeping with unless you really want them to know.”

“Well, I really did want you to know.”

“And now I do.”

“And now you do.”

Something that had haunted Jim for so long always seemed so small and easy when other people were involved. It both calmed him down and stressed him out.

“So did you get his number?”

“No.”

“We really gotta work on your commitment issues.”

“One thing at a time, Bones.”

* * *

 

He knew that both Pike and Bones noticed him staring, but he couldn’t help it. Spock was something all right, and Jim found himself growing more and more attached to that somethingness. His gaze found him almost automatically as soon as they were in the same room, which was pretty much all the time. At first it had freaked him out, but he’d come to accept it, at least a little bit. But he wasn’t ready to do anything about whatever this was, which was why he hadn’t confided in anyone since they would push him. Once he realized he was being watched by two of the most important people in his life he knew he was screwed, because there was no way they would let this pass. Not when they were both convinced he needed to let someone in for longer than one night.

He caught Bones gaze, because he really couldn’t handle Pike’s knowing look. “What?”

“Sometimes I get the urge to kick your ass,” was Bones reply, and both Jim and Pike knew what he meant.

Jim huffed. “Always so violent.”

“You need it. When are you gonna-”

“Stop. Just stop.”

“Jim-”

“Don’t finish your sentence.”

Bones sighed in exasperation, and Pike smiled at them both. “I must agree with Doctor McCoy and his unfinished sentence here.”

“You’re a traitor.”

“I only want what’s best for you.”

“It…could never work.”

“You don’t know that.”

Jim cursed himself and his inability to keep his emotions at bay. Bones and Pike would never leave him alone now. “I gotta let it be.”

“Only for now, I hope,” Bones said. Jim didn’t reply, and Bones rolled his eyes. “You’ll be the death of me.” He reached out to poke at his ribs a couple of times. “Do you hear me?”

Jim batted his hand away. “I hear you.”

“And you won’t be allowed to speak at my funeral,” Bones continued, his hands returning to Jim’s rib cage to dance over the sensitive skin. “Because you will only bring up situations that made you look good since you’ll never admit what a dumbass you can be and how many times I’ve saved your ass.”

Jim was laughing now, both at Bones’ words and at his insistent fingers. Pike was watching them, amusement twinkling in his eye when Bones finally relented. “Two discoveries in one day.”

“You didn’t know how ridiculously ticklish he is?”

“I’m afraid that information hadn’t reached me.”

“Oho, you’ve missed out. You should hear how he squeals when I get his neck.”

Jim ducked away from Bones’ hands, attempting to glare, but knowing he failed. “You suck.”

“Not as much as you being single until you die would.”

“What’s wrong with being single?”

“Nothing, unless you’re in love with someone.”

“I’m not in _love_ -”

“You’re in something.”

“Something different,” Pike piped up, and Jim remembered that day in that pub so vividly that it might as well have happened last week.

Jim shook his head. “I did say it would be a disaster.”

“Is it so hard to admit you were wrong for once?”

Jim had to laugh. “You two make a good team.”

Bones said, “Because we keep you sane? You can bet your ass we do.”

Jim had to endure a few more pokes, because Bones seemed determined to embarrass him in front of Pike, but he would take the tickling ten times over if it meant he didn’t have to turn toward Spock, who had come over to ask him a question, and know he would have to tell him one day. Would have to for his own sake.

That day wasn’t today, which Pike and Bones respected, but Jim knew they wouldn’t let him linger in the shadows for too long.

“Your heart deserves to know,” Pike said, and Jim felt his face flush which Bones would no doubt tease him about later. He didn’t regret the fact that they knew however. It felt rather good to not keep it to himself only, even though it meant he wouldn’t be left alone about it. And when he eventually did tell Spock he knew who to go to for comfort or a celebration. He was grateful for that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has accepted that he has certain feelings for a certain Vulcan - it’s not like Bones will let him forget it either - but he has no idea how to go on from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people yelled at me for having stopped the story there, so I decided to add one more part which I cut shorter in order to be able to add another part later. I hope you enjoy!

Jim was in _something_. Something different and beautiful and heartbreaking, and it was tearing him apart slowly but surely. If it was love it hurt like a motherfucker, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Deep down he knew Pike was right and his heart did deserve to know if these feelings could ever be reciprocated, but it felt so hopeless when Spock was with Uhura. Surely he wouldn’t be with her unless he felt _something_ , if Vulcans were capable of doing that.

He made a habit out of wandering around the ship, just to make sure everything was running smoothly. Deep down he knew it also gave him time to think and muse - and over think and obsess - which was also a part of why he was doing it. He ran into crew members more often than not, and he was quick to smile and greet and small talk, and only Bones ever saw through that act, but he rarely pulled it out around him when they were alone. He didn’t need that look or that conversation.

He’d spent an hour in bed, twisting and turning and doing anything but sleeping, and in the end he’d given up and gotten up and had now been walking around the dark and quiet ship for about ten minutes. He wasn’t expecting to bump into anyone, and was thoroughly confused when he met Spock himself in the otherwise empty hallway. Both of them looked at each other for a second as realization hit.

“Captain,” Spock said, his voice laced with surprise.

“Spock,” Jim returned. “Up late, I see.”

“As are you.”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could I.”

Spock was doing that thing where his voice was higher, which either meant that he was in a good mood or was trying to hide something that bothered him. Jim had figured out that he could feel but chose not to act on it ages ago. If a feeling was strong enough that you noticed it through the Vulcan’s usual indifference, then it had to be big.

Jim observed him and wasn’t sure what to think. “All good?”

Spock’s mask didn’t crack. “Of course, Captain.”

“Please, Spock. After everything you have permission to call me Jim.”

“Jim,” Spock said, as if testing it out. “I trust you are well too.” It was a question, though Spock disguised it as a statement.

Jim nodded, almost too eagerly. “Just peachy.”

“That is good.”

“Funny how we’re both well and still wander around this old ship in the middle of the night, huh?”

“That is indeed curious.”

Jim was torn between asking, but knew too well what a hypocrite he would be since he didn’t want to talk himself. Him asking would prompt Spock to ask, and he wasn’t up for that.

He reached out to clap his hand on Spock’s arm instead. “We should go back. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.”

“That would be the logical choice.”

Neither of them moved. Jim thought he saw the same sort of desperation in Spock that he felt himself, but he was sure it was an illusion. Spock was never desperate.

Jim looked behind him. “It’s awfully calm when everyone’s asleep.”

“That usually happens when there is a lack of noise.”

“Was that sass I heard?”

Spock hesitated briefly before saying, “I believe I might not be as aware of the way I express myself when I am feeling weary.”

Jim had to laugh. “That wasn’t me reprimanding you, it was- Just don’t worry about it. I didn’t mind the sass. But hey, if you’re tired,” he continued rather reluctantly. “maybe you should sleep.”

“I am afraid I have too many things on my mind to be able to properly settle down enough for sleep to find me.”

“I thought you said you were fine.”

“That does not mean I do not have things to contemplate,” Spock replied, and Jim could swear he almost sounded defensive.

He held up his hands. “Just checking.”

“That is very kind of you, but I can assure you that I am perfectly fine.”

“That’s good to hear.”

An awkward silence washed over them, and Jim couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand the way he felt around his friend. “Well, see you tomorrow then.”

“Are you leaving?”

Jim was taken aback by the question. “I assumed you wanted to ponder on your own.”

“Quite the opposite. A distraction would be…good.”

“Good?”

“And very welcome. Unless, of course, you are tired yourself. It just came across to me that you were not feeling particularly exhausted since you are wandering around the ship and claim that you are fine. Some company would do us both well, I believe.”

“I mean, if you want to-”

“I do.”

“Okay.”

Jim was feeling a little awkward, and the fact that Spock never showed any sign of discomfort was both calming and not at all, but when they started walking through the ship together it was as if they had always been meant to do just that. It felt natural, and Jim was sure Spock felt it too. Lovers or not, they were meant to be friends, and that was enough for Jim, no matter how much it hurt to think nothing else would ever happen.

Spock was unaware of his inner observation, and Jim would’ve died to be inside his head just once. Just to see what he was like.

One part of him wondered if Spock was craving it too.

They didn’t talk much during the hour they spent walking around, and Jim didn’t mind it. Spock didn’t talk unless he had something logical to say, and the silence spared Jim from accidentally saying something he would regret. He knew what Pike and Bones wanted him to do, but he just couldn’t. Not tonight.

He went to bed wondering if he would ever do anything about it.

* * *

 

Jim found Bones, as he always did. It was early enough for both of them to be grumpy, but Bones took one look at him before his face softened. “Well, you look like crap.”

Jim had to let out a laugh, because he was sure it was an understatement. “I barely slept.”

“Any particular reason?”

“My mind was just all over the place, and before you ask,” Jim added at the look on his friend’s face. “Spock wasn’t the sole reason for it.”

“I wouldn’t dare think otherwise.”

“Uh huh.”

“So you spent all night trying to sleep?” Bones asked, changing the subject.

Jim hesitated before saying, “Well, not exactly.”

“Elaborate.”

“I took a walk to try to tire myself out.”

Bones could sense that there was more to this. “And?”

“And I met Spock who seemed to be doing the same.”

“That’s an interesting coincidence.”

“Right?”

“So what’d you two crazy kids do?”

“We just walked together for a while.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s romantic.”

“Shut up. He asked me to stick around.”

“He did?”

Jim nodded. “I was just as surprised as you are.”

“That was basically a proposal in Vulcan. Congrats, kid.” Bones reached out to poke at Jim’s ribs. “I sure hope you said yes.”

Jim batted his hands away. “Oh, stop it. I wouldn’t accept before we had our first date.”

“That’s my boy. Now if you’d just _ask him out_ so you could have that date everything would be great.”

Jim pointed at him. “This talk is over.”

“Oh, no, it’s not.”

Jim should’ve seen it coming, but he was as surprised as ever when Bones grabbed for him and let his fingers dance over his sensitive upper body. Jim started laughing instantly, because he’s never been able to handle being tickled, and Bones knew it.

“Stohop it!”

“Stop dismissing the matter at hand and I might.”

“Okay, okay!”

“That’s better,” Bones said as he backed off. “Now, how are you gonna go about it?”

Jim averted his gaze. “It’s too early for this. Please drop it.”

“Dammit, Jim. I should get Pike on your ass.”

Jim let out a laugh. “He can’t be worse than you.”

“No, but together we could maybe finally get through to you.”

Jim shuddered exaggeratedly. “Why do you hate me?”

“We want you to be happy, and sometimes you need to get pushed into happiness.”

“That’s violent.”

“Got no choice.”

“Sure you do. Just mind your own business.”

Bones sent him a look that spoke volumes. “Quit dreamin’.” He reached out to grab his arm. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“To get breakfast, but we’re talking to Pike as soon as we have a moment of peace.”

“Bones, please-”

“No, shut up. This is non-negotiable.”

Jim’s friends would surely be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://nhasablog.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://nhasablog.tumblr.com)


End file.
